How to make a real zombie

READ DISCLAIMER FIRST!!!!!!!

Making real zombies the Hatian voodoo way is easy and I'll teach you how.
First you'll need a victim. Traditionally family members would sell erstwhile relatives to zombie masters as revenge or repayment on an unsettled debt, this is what happened to Clairvius Narcisse the only documented case of a real zombie. Since most zombies were put to work as slave labor, you'll want to pick a strong and healthy specimen, and make sure they're young, that way they'll last longer.
Next comes the zombie potion. With the exception of the toad venom which may contain DMT (an extremely powerful, and illegal hallucinogen), all of the ingredients are legal. They're also all pretty easy to find. You'll need three chemicals from natural sources:

• Tetrodotoxin (from puffer fish, eaten as fugu in Japan)
  
• Tropane Alkaloids (from plants in the nightshade family, including Jimsons weed and Foxglove)
  
• Bufotoxins (family of chemicals from toad skin including epinephrine, norepinephrine and DMT)
  

Mix up your potition of puffer fish and toad venom and dose your victim by rubbing it on an area of soft skin on his body. These chemicals will cause paralysis and slowed breathing and heart rate. Soon enough he'll fall into an unconcious state which is very easily confused with death (perhaps pick a back water town, with little or no medical support). Somebody will pronounce him dead, and he'll be buried. In the Caribean, due to the fast rate of decompsition in warm, moist climates, traditionally the dead are buried very quickly. But make sure you move quickly, once your victim is buried, you'll have to digg him up with in 8 hours or the lack of oxygen will cause enough permanant brain damage to render your zombie slave useless. A little damage is ok for ensuring your zombie is a pliable enough subject.
Once your victim is above, restrain him and feed him a tropane-containing plants (the "zombie cucumber" datura is the most comonly used source). The chemicals and the oxygen depravation should yield a sutaibly blank mental slate to imprint your commands on. Remember, its the tropane alkaloids that are keeping your zombie under your spell, so if he seems to be coming back to his sense, just feed him somemore. Just remember under Hatian Law, zombie-making is illegal:

Article 249. It shall also be qualified as attempted murder the employment which may be made against any person of substances which, without causing actual death, produce a lethargic coma more or less prolonged. If, after the person had been buried, the act shall be considered murder no matter what result follows.

There you have it, your very own zombie. You're well on your way to building a whole army of them and taking over the world.

i never know how much yeast to add... and don't get me started on salt!